With the exception of me crying every time I watch a sweet YouTube video about babies/birth/moms/families/puppies/dancing penguins, I think I have kept my emotions pretty much in check during my whole pregnancy.  This was until last Tuesday when I think it was my $884.00 ultrasound bill that came in the mail and is due in two weeks that pushed me into a full on meltdown.

Out of nowhere, I was sitting at my desk at work when the water works started and I couldn’t stop them.  I went to the bathroom and continued to cry and weep until I felt physically sick.  Part of me did not know why this was happening or what I was crying about, but then my brain told me that I was having a panic attack.  All of my fears kind of came crashing into my head at once and the only way I could deal with it was crying.  What if my baby doesn’t like me?  What if there is something wrong with her when she is born?  What if we get in a car accident on the way home from the hospital?  What if she stops breathing in her sleep?  What if she comes too early and her room isn’t ready? What if something catastrophic happens to me or David and we can’t afford our lives and lose our house?  And so on. I was legitimately panicking to the point where I left work because I could not handle myself.

When I got home, I went into full on nesting mode.  I cleaned the ENTIRE house, I organized all of our paper work, I washed all of the baby’s clothes and organized them by size and then by color, I unpacked more of mine and David’s things, I finished up my work from home, I washed and folded our dirty clothes, towels, and bedding, I worked on a nursery project – decided I didn't like the end product and redid the entire nursery project (more to come on that later), I even made a surprisingly delicious dinner.  By the time 10:30pm rolled around the only thing that kept me from continuing organizing and cleaning was my back pain and knowing I had to get up in the morning for work.  It was an interesting day to say the least.

Luckily I was able to distract myself from my fears and my nesting made me feel like I was being productive in preparing for our baby.  I am hoping I can get by the next couple of weeks without another meltdown like that but who knows…on the bright side, another burst of energy wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.